"We Heard You!" shouts the gigantic poster on the wall of the stinking anal canal of Chicago, the Blue Line subway that connects us to O'Hare.

The preening poster (or is it scolding, as in "shut up already"?) is issued by the Chicago Transit Authority, the second creepiest quasi-corporate public agency in the state, right behind Illinois Tollway Authority.

The issue the CTA claims to have heard us on is "slow zones," which is the CTA's name for miles-long sections of track so desperately creaky that, in order to reliably remain on the tracks, the train must creep along at five to 15 miles per hour.

Apparently the CTA has listened closely to its riders' subtle and many-varied opinions and ascertained that we don't like to stand on the train, packed like sweating manatees in a rolling manatee can, for lots of extra time. Through their qualitative and quantitative research, the CTA has gathered that we want to get where we're going faster, not slower.

What amazingly sensitive and perceptive chaps!

Now they're embarking on an incredibly innovative program that they call a "Slow Zone Elimination Project." Which will, when and if successful, restore train speed from 5-15 m.p.h. on long sections between O'Hare and downtown, to the 60 m.p.h. the subway normally travels.

Or used to travel, before the tragic but mysterious and inevitable and natural onset of "Slow Zones."

Now that the CTA is listening to us so closely, we're looking forward to more incredible work by the CTA, such as "Operation Nose Plug," to help us deal more graciously with the rancid urine odor that's been assualting commuters at the Washington/Dearborn stop for nearly two months.